Are you emotionally literate?
How are you feeling right now? Can you name your current emotional state?
That might seem like a condescending question, but it is probably because we so rarely evolve our emotional vocabulary beyond kindergarten. Mad. Glad. Sad. As adults, our complex emotions deserve a more articulate vocabulary. In fact, without the ability to name our feelings, we remain fundamentally disconnected from them.
We suffer disconnection from ourselves and others.
We cannot protect our pensive state or dwell in moments of fascination.
We become “mad’ at our spouse rather than recognize the nuance of our jealousy.
A developed emotional vocabulary increases our odds of insight. Only with insight can we hope to make better choices for ourselves and our relationships. We know this when teaching toddlers; yet we somehow forget this as adults. Luckily, the social sciences are evolving to address this gap, and there are resources to work on our emotional literacy.
Dr. Marc Brackett, the Founder and Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, wrote a book on the subject: Permission to Feel
Dr. Brené Brown interviewed Dr. Brackett on her podcast about his work, which is a nice primer for reading his book.
The Gottman Institute, which focuses on relationships and marriages, has a detailed “feelings wheel” that is user friendly (printable version here)
Feelings wheels are often used to check-in with yourself at different points of the day in order to maintain self-awareness; they are also used to check-in before engaging in a discussion with a partner in order to ground the communication.
Words, however, are always the second step. However nuanced the vocabulary, they are still a label. The first step is the ability to stop and sit with ourselves in our feelings. Before we can label the jar, we have to actually taste what we are eating.
If you meditate or have tried to meditate, you know how challenging this is. However, part of the practice of mediation is the ability to name those feelings (or thoughts) and simply “smile” at them and let them be. “Oh, hello helplessness.” (smile) “Oh, hello eagerness.” (smile) “Oh, hello hostility.” (smile) If smiling is pushing it, simply breathe. In fact, breathing is the through-line of being present. Simply keep breathing through all of those thoughts and feelings.
Like physical exercise, the simple daily practice of breathing through the awareness of those feelings jars builds emotional strength. To be emotionally strong doesn’t mean you avoid negative emotions; it means you can lift them without injuring yourself. It means you can use your emotional strength to direct positive behaviors. Simple meditation tools exist to perform this daily exercise:
This post evolved a bit like a Trojan Horse, but both talking (vocabulary) and listening (presence) are required for a robust emotional intelligence. May you come at your EQ from both sides, and may you find compassionate connection with yourself and with others.
